To Mom With Love

Each child has their own space in their mother's heart, but each mom has one very special spot in their child's heart. My mom was my rock, she was my center, she was my cheerleader and my friend. Right after she went home to Jesus I wrote her a letter to tell her everything that was left in my heart to say to her. I am going to post this in my blog today. The hope that I have in doing this is that each one of you will remember that spot your mom has and tell her all your heart has to say to her every day as you think them. When death is eminent your mind goes numb and all that you want to say seems to be trapped in the horror and grief on the moment. Then sometime afterwards when the memorial service is finished and reality settles in, you begin to feel the impact of what has happened. The unspoken words start to unravel themselves and you feel the pain of regret. This happens in the best of relationships and the worst. So don't hesitate!

Mama,

You were an amazing mama. I loved so much about you. I loved your banana bread. I loved that you used a light eyeshadow on the very top of your eyelids that made your blue eyes so incredibly beautiful. I loved that no matter how old I was I always felt so comfortable cuddling in your arms and could always sleep so well tucked under your arm in your bed. Even in your hospital bed. I loved that you kept such a cozy and comfortable home for me. No matter how many houses we had, we only had one home and that was wherever you were. I loved that you were proud of my singing and that I learned that Tanya Tucker song to sing for all your bible study girls. You were pink in the cheeks but your eyes gleamed in a shared little snicker when I sang about “ How I wish I knew the man a little better that turned my mama on.” You were amazing.

You took care of five daughters and kept a home for all of us. You made memories that we all have that we will never forget. Christmas was your favorite holiday and so you made it mine. Not because there were so many gifts  under the tree, but because there was always one very special one that you knew would light up our eyes. You listened. To be fair there were the strange pj’s and funky sweaters too, but you were there and that is what mattered. You put us girls first. You sacrificed.

Mama, I loved that you took care of your mama and even kept a journal of her death dance. You were such a strong mama when your own mama died. I always thought that Nana was the most important person in my life. Although she was up there, you were the most important and I wish you knew that before you died. I felt honored to take care of you and give to you your very last shower before you passed away. I always thought it would creep me out, but I loved you so much it made me happy to care for you and put clean pj’s on you. I helped you brush your teeth and put lotion on your very sore scalp. You said it made it feel better.

I miss you mama. I want to say to you right now that I miss you. If I could have any wish answered it would be to go back to June and have the doctor say it was a false alarm and that you really didn’t have leukemia. I would come for the summer anyways and we would go for long walks on the beach. We would go to the lake, go camping and enjoy just watching the sun set together. This is what I would ask for. I would like to think I wouldn’t argue with you anymore. I would like to think I would listen to all your advise and give to you all that I had to give. You were the best mama I could ever hope and pray for because for my whole life you loved me.

I love you,

You daughter Shannon