Loyalty and Commitment

Loyalty and commitment are like peas and carrots. One is green and the other is orange. One is a primary response and the other is a secondary one. But which comes first? It's kind of like the chicken and the egg thing. Does commitment come from a sense of loyalty or does loyalty come from first committing to something? I think this is a subject that can be debated for years. For the sake of our limited time however, I will just write for a few minutes on this subject.

Loyalty is devotion, faithfulness and faith. Commitment is an obligation, an engagement or an undertaking. So what does all of this mean? Are we committed to our faith? Are we loyal to an obligation or engagement? If so, why are so many people falling out of love or forgoing their faith in God and humanity? Let's bring it in even closer to home, what makes us committed to our families and our businesses? Why do we give up just short of the finish line at times? Why don't we try just one more time to make something work?

I think part of the problem is that some of our commitments and loyalties depend on someone else to be on board with us. In a marriage it takes two, in a family it takes a village and in our businesses it takes a city. We need people to understand us and to see our vision. We need people to recognize us. To be committed to our brand and see the big picture in our dreams. We cannot live life all alone without a purpose or without a plan, or any sort of focus. Living life this way makes it difficult to translate our dreams into reality or give our clients or customers something to be committed to or loyal about.

Now the question is, do you have a business or a life that others can be committed to? Do you run your business in a way that develops loyalty? If not, re-evaluate what you are doing. Find a person that is living a life that encourages loyalty and commitment, ask them to look over what you are doing and see if there are areas of concern. Take the information and formulate a plan to overcome the issues that you are experiencing that keep you from achieving your goals.

One more question: Do you want a business or life that others can be committed to? If you cannot commit to your own life, or be loyal in your own relationships, whether they are business or personal, how can you possibly expect someone else to see your vision? The answer is that they can't and they won't. You will get just a few short seconds to attract someones attention, then you have just a few short days to reconnect the dots for them, and then a few short months to prove that you can do what you say you can do. To build commitment and loyalty in your life and in your business takes your own commitment to your goal and loyalty to your faith to achieve the goal, to see the dream become a reality.

Peas or carrots? Loyalty or commitment? The answer is that they are both essential and neither is really any good without the other.

 

Kasaundra Arleta Kincaid

Today, nineteen years ago,  was the day I found out what it was like to actually give birth to a baby. I knew what it was like to be someones mom, I already had one adopted child, but I had never experienced the sacred event that separates those who know and those who don't know. To be honest with you, I was really plain out scared. I heard all the stories. You know the ones, in labor for 10 years, broken ribs, broken collar bones, ripped... well... let's just say areas of real concern. I was told to breathe and to focus. I was told to drink water and eat before I went in. I was told not to eat or drink anything after I went in, ice chips only. I was given the 411 from every mama that I came into contact with, almost from her conception. It seems as though it is a rite of passage to listen to the horrors of what to expect in child birth. Before labor began the thing I was most afraid of? My water breaking. I was afraid of being somewhere and getting caught with wet pants. Funny that wet pants was my most feared part of the whole labor process.

When I adopted my daughter Mariah Lynn, my mom told me to wear a full piece bathing suit when we went to the lake. Of course, what daughter listens to their mother when they talk of things like bathing suits, so I went my first time in a string bikini. After all I was going to spend my afternoon playing with my baby girl Mariah and tanning while she napped in the shade. Results... nobody but my mother talked to me. Pretty much every other mother was in a bathing suit that covered their battle scars from child birth. I, on the other hand, had not actually given birth yet, so I was a size three and very, very firm still. Not a stretchmark to be seen... anywhere. Let me be very clear on one thing though, child birth did not make me feel like more of a mom. I was very much a mom, the bags under my eyes said it all. And the aroma from my clothing of formula and baby powder was also a tale tell sign. I no longer had a little cute Mundi purse with just my keys, lipgloss and wallet. I had a mondo bag with diapers, formula, baby wipes, snacks and extra clothes... for Mariah AND me. Giving birth did not make me a mom, but it did give me a front row seat in the "mom's who gave birth" club.

The day I went in to have my daughter, I began the journey that all birth moms for centuries have gone down. It begins so sweet. A little stirring and then some pressure. Your body begins to look really weird and you can no longer stand up tall. Instead you are a little hunched over and feel the urge to hold your tummy tight. You are excited about the baby you will hold in your arms. You are anticipating the pain everyone says is to come, and in my case, the water that will surely come at the wrong moment! The pain starts getting more and more painful. The air is tense and people start to look at you with pained expressions, leaving me to believe that I am on the direct path to Drama Mama. These pains can be "blown away" like steam on a soup bowl with the right technique. That is what birth classes were for after all. Then the pain gets more and more intense. The contractions start rolling one after another after another until blowing the stream off the soup resembles blowing the soup clean out of the bowl. You being to moan and cry. Tears stream involuntarily down your face and panic begins to set in as you wonder if this is ever going to end, this place where you have no control. In my case, this is where my mom stepped in. "Shannon, you are going to be OK." Ahhhh the soothing sounds of my mom when I am in pain. Now the world makes sense again.

The pain gets harder and harder to endure. The pains grow more and more intense. The end does not seems to have an end and you feel like you are in a dark hole with just pain and more pain. Then the pressure begins to build. The baby decides that it is now time, time to greet the world. You are put into another very uncomfortable position, knees bent, pelvis touching your feet. You push harder and harder, everyone chanting right along with you, your mom on one side with tears streaming down her cheeks with fear, eyes bright with excitement. You take her cue, and forget the pain, you visualize how beautiful your baby is going to be and this gets you to finish this incredible race to bring life. Then once more and out comes the most beautiful expression of love that there could ever be. The sound that fills the room of the baby crying, of you crying and of your family's great love for this little being is overwhelming. Then the little bundle of sweetness is placed in your arms.

You look at all her toes, you kiss all her fingers, you run your lips over her sweet little baby hair. She opens her little baby girl eyes and you cannot tear yourself away from her. You are exhausted and your baby must be looked at by the doctor, so you reluctantly let go. You crash from exhaustion and then anticipate the moment that you get to hold that little baby again. This is the part that never goes away. The holding your life's breath in your arms. Desiring her in your day and in your every moment of life. Seeing her live life and know that for a moment, you held her closer then anyone could ever hold her. You held that girl under your heart for nine months, then spend your whole life holding her in your heart.

Life as a mother is an amazing way to live. Becoming Kasaundra Arleta Kincaid's mom is one I will never forget. I love you Kasi....

Mom

Expectations...

Have you ever spent time with someone or worked on something that you feel is amazing and then WHAM! You get hit with expectations. Expectations of the person, expectations of the project, expectations of yourself. then life steps into the picture. Time stealer's come in and take from you the time needed to meet the expectations. Your mind becomes numb and your body begins to shut down from the weight of all the expectations. What do you do? How do you get out of the crazy cycle, the one where you try and fail, then try and fail, then try again. When do you ever get to meet the expectations and stop the perpetuation of failing those you love the most, or being failed by those who you love the most? Well, again... the work is on you.

I think the most important part of this life that we live is to ask ourselves if we are meeting the expectations the we set for ourselves. Are we managing our time efficiently, are we addressing issues as they come up? Or are we ignoring the work of forward momentum. I think again, that there are decisions to be made that can affect you positively or negatively and the best part of all of this is that we have the freedom to make the choice. Once you set a standard for yourself and determine that your goals are attainable you can set your boundaries. Yes.... I said the "b" word. Boundaries. What are they for you? Well, what are your expectations for your life? Start there.

There will always be people in your life without their own standards, goals, dreams or expectations. There will always be those that do have standards, goals, dreams and expectations that simply have boundaries that do not fit within your own personal or business guidelines... boundaries. So what do you do? Look at the big picture, and then determine what needs to be done, said or conveyed to keep yourself moving foreword. This does not, however, give to you a licence to ignore other people's boundaries and tromp all over someone else to complete your own agenda. You still need to care about other people, but, if you cannot meet the expectations that you set for yourself and if you cannot keep yourself focused on your place in life, you will never be able to meet the expectations of others. Also, if you have big unrealistic expectations of something or someone, you will live a life of disappointment. This is when optimists become pessimist. Not a pretty picture.

So, what to do? What to do? Reach in, dig deep, take a hold, research what is possible, set your standards, know who you are and what you can achieve. Let other people off the hook, and then let yourself off the hook.

Taking Responsibility

As you all I know Jason and I have 7 girls that we are raising. Three are not living with us, but we do have three 7th graders and a 4th grader living at home here in our sweet little house in the woods. Well, today went a little like this:

"Where are my grey pants?" (Child #1)

"Child #2 borrowed them last." (Child #3)

"NO! Child #3 wore them after I did (unlaundered of course, after all these are 7th graders)." (Child #2)
"That is SOOOOO not true! I put them on the floor right over there by the big pile of other clothes that I have not washed in two weeks and do not foresee the washing of them for several more weeks as they do not smell just yet. (Some of that last part was a combination of artistic expression and parental angst) (Child #3)

"Hey! I'll bet Child #4 took them!" (Child #1)

"Yes! I think I saw her wearing them after I did and Child #3." (Child #2)

"Yep! That is true, I saw her wearing them. MOMMMMMM!" (Child #3)

"What's going on?" (Mom)

The very important story unfolds with much frustration and indignation towards child #4.

"Well, let's ask child #4. Where is child #4?" (Mom)

"Oh, she is still in bed." (Child #1)

Of course the alarm has been going off and said child #4 is still in bed 30 minutes after she should be up.

So, that was quite the intro to "Taking Responsibility" and you might be asking yourself "What does a pair of grey size 1 pants have to do with me?" Nothing. It really has nothing to do with you, it is just a representation of the origination of our own inability to take responsibility for our own stuff. If you substitute cream boots or a curling iron, you will have the Grisham/Andrews household 25 years ago. Responsibility and taking ownership of your stuff is a really hard lesson to face and one that many people just have not learned. However, I can remember from a very young age having this lesson repeated time and time again. I have lost much to my inability to take responsibility for my actions, words and... well things I am responsible for.

As a business owner we have a whole lot of responsibilities, sometimes too many to handle. At times I feel as though I am in a boat with my husband and as soon as one leak is fixed there is another one and then another one until one of us is bailing water while the other is working to fix the leak. We find this in both business and family responsibilities. You look ahead on the horizon and you cannot even see land in the far distance. So, you have a choice, stop working, stop trying, and just sink. Or, you can keep trying, row when you can, bail out the waters of life when you need to and pray like anything what you have in your boat is enough to fix the leak. But never think for a moment that you are not responsible for your own boat.

Taking responsibility is like being child #1 and knowing that the reason she does not have her grey pants has very little to do with child #2 or #3 or even #4, but everything to do with her decision to watch TV and play instead of working on her laundry. She knows that each week she get one day to complete her laundry so that she has plenty of clothes to choose from during the week. Yet, to point that fact out brings a great amount of resistance into the picture. Now, she has to see that, yes, she loaned her pants out (mistake #1), and she did not retrieve them soon enough before Child #3 loaned them to Child #2 (mistake #2). The focus was on where the pants were instead of simply being able to go to the closet and ( since in a perfect world, her laundry would have been done) she could just pull them off the hanger and put them on (mistake#3).

So, what is the point? Maybe you do not have grey pants or a boat for that matter, but we all have responsibilities that we delegate off to other people. We do not manage those responsibilities and therefore we do not see the need to take responsibility when things do not work out the way that we hope they will. We try and create a hierarchy of blame that just goes on and on until we do what is right and stop the madness! Take ownership of your life, do not place blame on other people for decisions that they have made on your behalf that did not work out the way that you would like them to. Delegate, but delegate responsibly. And for goodness sake... do your laundry!

Happiness is a Journey...Not the Destination

Happiness is the journey, not the destination. There is never a "happinesstown" in life. Many people desire to go to this magical place where everyone is nice and nobody at work rains on your parade. Where you always have more than enough money to pay your very meager list of bills. Where the love of your life wakes you to a song that inspires rodents and birds to create your dress for the day. This is a fictional place that (and if you are waiting to arrive there) you will miss out on the true happiness of life.

I have had a lot of people use happiness as an excuse for their inability to follow through with commitments, to severe relationships, to steal and pilfer from people they say they love. I have seen the search for happiness destroy marriages, severe ties between siblings and other family. I have seen this evasive pursuit hurt so many people that I need to set the record straight! Just as there are not unicorns in my field or pots of gold at the end of a rainbow, there is not a place called "happinesstown".

Now that I have completely destroyed any and all perceptions of this "happiness" place, Happiness IS a JOURNEY. You can have happiness right now! Isn't that amazing? You can wake up today, see your coffee running all over the counter and on to the floor. You can fight with your child and open bill after bill you cannot possibly afford to pay. You can be embroiled in an ugly custody battle that looks bleak and sad. You can have pain from life and pain in your body. You can have all of these things and have happiness. Because happinesstown lies in YOU!

You get to determine the day you want to have. You can decide to find joy and peace, the products of happiness, even in your appliances breaking, your children attacking you, bill collectors hot on your trail. You can stand strong, look at what you DO have and see the good in that. Look out your living room window? What do you see? Be grateful that you have a living room window to look out of. So what if your child did not clean their room or make their bed this morning, even when you have gone over what is expected day after day. Is your child involved in drugs? Are they attending school? Do they say that they love you? Is your child alive? Are YOU alive?

There is enough to worry about in life that will try to destroy your peace and your joy. There is enough in this world that can bring pain and sorrow. Don't let it be an unrealistic view of what happiness is. Take happiness right here and right now with all that you have and all that you have to give. Because happiness is a journey and not a destination.

Mistakes Happen

Have you ever made a mistake that you wish you could just turn back the clock and get a do-over for the day? This mistake causes you to even question the reason you opened your eyes that morning and crawled out of bed. You should have known it was going to be "THE GREATEST MISTAKE " day. The clue might have been when your coffee maker takes that morning to break and you find coffee running all over the counter. When you child decides to take THIS morning to challenge your perfect parenting skills, and your dog runs off into the woods. There would of course be several "800" number calls asking for your time or money and you simply cannot deal with one more thing. Then "WHAM" it happens... the greatest mistake of your life.

Mistakes happen all the time. Little ones and big ones. In business these mistakes can mean the difference between securing business or loosing business. They can be so huge that there are enormous consequences to face, but I believe that the HUGE mistakes come from letting the smaller mistakes take a life of their own. You let a small bookkeeping error pass, or omit a small seemingly insignificant bit of knowledge from someone who should be made aware. You forget an appointment and blame it on someone or something else. In fact, your little mistakes can grow into medium mistakes and then into larger and larger until they are so big that you can't see the other side of it.

Mistakes can happen to anyone, it is what you do with the mistake that matters. You can take the mistake tuck it deep into your heart, make it a reason to exact revenge from all those involved in the dreaded event. You can talk incessantly about it, growing the mistake to unimaginable proportions. You can use the mistake to hurt yourself or other people, maybe even some that were not ever involved. Life could take a turn that you never thought or dreamed possible. This mistake could determine the course of your while life and you could choose to become defined by its unlimited destruction. Or, you could let yourself off the hook.

Does letting yourself off the hook require you to forget it ever happened? Does it allow you to not take responsibility for the mistake? Well, that I guess depends on you. If you have the ability to forgive, truly forgive then you can move past your offence. But moving on means facing the consequences and I believe this is the part that most of us struggle with the most. We can forgive ourselves, or at least tell ourselves we have been forgiven, but without facing up to the person or situation, true forgiveness is impossible. Does it have to happen all at once like a huge tidal wave of regret and remorse? I do not believe this to be true. You can face the pain, face the mistake, make a plan to face those involved, and then work a little at a time. The forgiveness will come... in time. 

Is Patience A Virtue? And Is Patience Worth It?

I have heard over the years that "patience is a virtue". When I wanted something that I was not prepared to have..."patience is a virtue". When I tried to achieve something I could not..."patience is a virtue." This saying seems to be a panacea for all the loss, the regret, dreams that have died and focus that has gone astray. Is patience truly a virtue?

I have said this to my husband, to my children, to my friends, and even my clients. " You need to be patient. What you desire will come to you in time." What I have failed to add to this and others have failed to tell me, is that patience is expensive. It requires something to achieve it. That something can be a part of yourself, or your business, your finances and even friendship. Sometimes what you need to do is greater then what someone else can pay for. Is patience worth it?

Well, I guess that depends on what the cost is for you. Are you willing to pay the cost for patience? I personally have issues with this area of life. I want patience, I strive for patience, I have even *gulp* prayed for patience, but it seems to be an enigma that eludes me regularly. I am more patient since I have become an older adult ( I refuse to day the F word), however, it is still a struggle. I have lost a whole lot in the waiting game, but I have also gained too. I am still in the waiting game right now. Waiting for my marriage to go the distance, for my business to stretch to the next level, for some of my relationships to mend or be severed for good. But all in all... I desire patience. Why? Because I need it in my life to achieve my dreams. To stay focused and not stop right in front of  the finish line. So, today... decide for yourself... Is patience a virtue? And is patience worth it.

Your Market Speaks...Are You Listening?

Most people feel that they are listening, but are they really hearing what is being said? In life or in business we have lots of people who come into our lives.  We have a lot to SAY to these people but we really don't HEAR them. They speak, they tell us all that they need, however,  we anticipate our next response instead of hearing their needs. Then when their needs require action, an action we have not really thought much about, being caught up in our own thought,  we miss the opportunity to build the relationship. Without the relationship, we cannot close the sale.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I loath shopping. I don't just "not like it". I actually hate it. It isn't because I have had babies and never recovered completely, because I hated shopping before I was ever pregnant. To be honest, I am not even sure when I decided to hate it. However, I have a best friend, Joyce,  who LOVES it. So, when Joyce and I are going to spend a day shopping, Joyce goes ahead of me and picks out clothes that flatter my shape and coloring and all in my current size. Joyce picks through the millions of sales racks and  find the perfect gems to add to my wardrobe. Joyce knows that in my career, marketing,  the most important impression is the first 30 seconds, so the right clothes for the right target market is essential. I know this. I know that the shopping trips are inevitable. But I still have the small matter of my aversion to shopping. How do I solve this? I don't. My best friend does. She listens to me. She listens and she hears me. She put in an extra effort and makes our shopping trips incredibly fun for both of us.

So, why is listening important in marketing? Why is actually hearing someone important in business? Hearing someone is actively listening to them. Fitting the need is the most important part of a sale, but knowing and anticipating the need because you listened... really listened to your target market is the key. It will bring more referrals, more sales, more success in networking. People like to talk and people like to be heard, but not many people really like to listen, really listen. So, what about you? Do you listen? Are you hearing what your target market has to say OR do you simply focus on what your target market will hear YOU say?